


I Wanna be Known by You

by wheezebraks



Series: What is and What Should Be [2]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Deadlights (IT), Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, I don't know what else to tag, Love Confessions, M/M, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, What Richie Sees in the Deadlights, for now it's kinda sad, richie and eddie deserve better, they'll get their happy ending eventually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:22:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21835882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheezebraks/pseuds/wheezebraks
Summary: At thirteen he’d been able to carve those initials into the bridge, had been conscious enough to realize what he was feeling for his best friend, had been aware of the desperate need to get it out there somehow. He could do this now. As an adult. After facing those fears head on. No more hiding behind his jokes. Those unbreakable walls began to crumbled around him. Willingly.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: What is and What Should Be [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1570648
Kudos: 31





	I Wanna be Known by You

" _C_ _ome on _ , Eds!" The grip on the smaller male’s hand tightens, pulling him forward as he walks faster. "I know for a fact you can move faster than this,  _ let’s go_ !" Richie holds onto the vowel, pulling him forward again.

Eddie curses that fact that his inhaler was used as a token in that damn ritual.  He doesn’t need it, _I don’t need it_. But damn, it sure as hell always made him feel better. "I’m going to be late for my fucking flight dipshit," he spits with no real malice behind it. "You said we were going to the airport."

"You have two hours, you fucking lunatic."

"You’re  _supposed _ to arrive early."

"To sit on your ass and wait, sounds like a blast."

"Shut up, Richie. — Why are we here?"

Here, as in : still in Derry, Maine where they have, once again (  _!!!_ ), defeated a psychotic alien clown spider and almost fucking died in the filthy sewers. But also  here, as in : the kissing bridge. Hadn’t this been a place of torture for them in the past? Fucking Bowers and his gang. Eddie was beyond done with strolling down memory lane, but then again Richie has just _ one more thing_ to show him. One more trip and then they could leave this hellhole town behind them. 

This was it. This had to be it. They had their memories back, they were together again ( minus Stanley,  _fuck _ they missed Stanley ),  the fucking clown was gone for good and — Richie remembered how deeply in love he was with his best friend. His neurotic, hypochondriac, hyperactive, lunatic of a best friend. And he had to show him the carvings before they returned to their not so normal lives.  _This has to be it_. 

It’s needs to be stated that Richie doesn’t exactly know what’s going to happen when Eddie sees it, there are no greater expectations or some grand plan that’s been gently laid out and followed to a T. For all he knows, Eddie would see the carving and turn tail a run. It could freak him out and maybe pull a face of disgust. Eddie could fall into a panic attack and shout at him for bringing him here. Maybe he would walk Richie off and find a different way to the airport. Or — there’s possibly a slight chance he could find it  _endearing_. Richie doesn’t know, and he’s not weighing these options. Eddie is still married, he has a wife, a job, Eddie has a  _life _ back in New York still. But,  _God_ , Richie can’t live with this fear anymore. He can’t allow some childhood trauma to dictate his life. Pennywise used these things against him, enough that, at thirteen years old, he’d begun to construct walls around him that were unbreakable.

_ I know your secret, your dirty little secret.  _

_ Don’t touch the other boys .  _

_ Unable to escape his anxieties and incapable of sustaining any real human connection .  _

At thirteen he’d been able to carve those initials into the bridge, had been conscious enough to realize what he was feeling for his best friend, had been aware of the desperate need to get it out there somehow. He could do this now. As an adult. After facing those fears head on. No more hiding behind his jokes. Those unbreakable walls began to crumbled around him.  _Willingly_. 

"I gotta show you something." He finally says, offering one glance at Eddie to flash a smile, and one look towards his red mustang, still idling and waiting on their return. He could turn around still. Make up an excuse and drive Eddie to the airport. Richie could forget about this. Except —  _he’s not going to do that_. "It’ll be quick, I promise."

Before Eddie can think of a retort, they’re there. In front of the carvings, multiple etchings into the wood, names and initials of past, and present relationships and longings. Richie doesn’t point it out. He simply stands there and stares. Jaw slack. Hand dropping to his side instead of intertwining their fingers, like he  _desperately_ wants to do. 

"Okay I still don’t understand."Eddie’s gaze lingers on Richie, bores into his every being. “Are you going to push me over? Because you coulda just said no about dropping me off —" and Richie knows he must see it. The way his gaze followed Richie’s and words trail off. There’s a long moment of silence before he drops a quiet, almost inaudible, " _ oh _ ."

Sandwiched between various others, carved deep into the unforgiving wood as neat as it could possibly be :  **R + E**.

Richie doesn’t breath for a long time. Panic had set in as soon as Eddie realized why they were here. His heart beats too fast and every part of his body trembles, down to the very tips of his fingers. He wonders momentarily if this is what it was like for Eddie, the small boy falling into fits of panic and false asthma attacks. Was this what it felt like when one’s airways were closing? Eddie used to say that black spots would cloud his vision, right before he passed out.  _Christ, Richie. Breathe_.

So he does, he pulls in a shaky breath and wills himself to look at Eddie. His eyes are wide, more so than Richie’s when he had those bottle cap glasses. Lips are slightly parted and he looks paler than usual. Richie can see his chest heaving and worry lines appear on his forehead as eyebrows knit together. He can almost see the way it hits Eddie in waves, but other than this, he’s unsure how he’s feeling about it. 

"Eds, I —" he tries, voice already breaking on he nickname that his friend swears up and down he hates. "Eddie —" he tries again, except Eddie is opening his mouth wider and :

"You did this?" He sounds winded, and Richie wishes he would offer some sort of opinion on this matter instead of looking bewildered. Richie nods when their eyes meet. It’s only  momentarily before Eddie’s eyes are back on the carving. "I saw this once."

** R + E **

Richie looks at it, too as Eddie continues. "My mom had finally let me out of the house and I was cast free. I was riding my bike and pedaling as fast as fucking possible, it was the first time I’d felt free in like..  months." He pauses, a smile curling onto his lips. It wasn’t often Eddie felt that way, tasting freedom was his own ounce of heaven. The rare moments when he could run or ride his bike and use up every bit of energy. He’d always been good at running. "At some point though, I had to stop and take a minute. _I didn’t even use my inhaler_. I just dropped my bike on the bridge and gave myself a minute to catch my breath. And I saw it, there with the other names. I wondered, but —" his expression had softened and he was looking at Richie again. "I didn’t think —"

Richie takes the pauses as  _his turn_ to speak. "I had to put it somewhere. Your mom locked you in your fucking house and I didn’t think I was going to see you again. After your arm, she was so furious." He laughs, but recounts the arcade and Bower’s cousin and  the names he’d been called. Pennywise using this moment to fuck with him. "God, Eddie, I didn’t even know how deep I was, but  _fuck _ I loved you even then. Fanny pack and all."

This time, Eddie laughs and it’s the first time since they’d gotten here that he’d offered any kind of signal that he might be okay with this. It lifts a weight off of Richie’s shoulders. He’s not running away. Hell, Richie has used the word  love and he was still standing there. Looking at Richie as if he was finally seeing him. He looked genuinely happy. This was something. 

Eddie kneels down, fingers brushing lightly against the worn carvings. As if he’s trying to memorize each indentation. 

"You ever realize how often I tried to make sure your attention was on me and only me?" And yeah, Richie recalls that. "How I was always right fucking next to you. Only left your side when I absolutely had to."

That’s true, too. Richie only ever has to reach his arm out and he’d be touching Eddie. If something absolutely horrifying was happening, his first instinct was  _protect Eddie_ , and he was always right there. He would’ve died that day in Niebolt, when he has broken his arm. As the clown was closing in on it’s prey.  _Look at me. Eddie, look at me_. They even always say next to one another. In Bill’s garage. When they’d met up and promised to return if the clown did. The fucking clubhouse. 

"Yeah, I think I distinctly remember your feet on my face in the hammock. You telling me you wanted to sit by me because you wanted my attention the whole time?"

"That was my fucking hammock, you asshole." Eddie rolls his eyes, but that grin is unmistakably endearing. Eddie gets back to his feet and moves further into Richie’s personal space, eyes darting away as he lowers the tone of his voice. "I think I always loved you, too. I didn’t know back then but —  god it hit me like a fucking brick wall when you walked into the Jade."

"Loved?"  _ As in past tense _ _?_ His chest tightens 

Eddie shakes his head, fixing his attention down at their hands as he reaches for both of Richie’s, fitting their fingers together.Electricity buzzed through the both of them, starting at their connected hands and moving up through their bodies. Richie didn’t have any expectations when he brought Eddie here, but this blows it all out of the water. This is certainly better than seeing Eddie turn his back and run. He’s thrilled he took this last trip down memory lane. 

"Maybe I could miss my flight."

"Eds," Richie’s voice is uncharacteristically quiet and dripping with a new kind of softness, Eddie has to look up. 

There’s a short moment when they look at each other, no words. Richie removes just hands from Eddie’s in favor of cupping each side of his face. Eyes travel from his eyes, to his lips, they hold there. Eddie’s breath catches slightly, just before Richie dips his head and fits their lips together. It’s soft, a dry press of his mouth against Eddie’s. A breath released from his nose as Eddie’s hands rest against his hips. Lips part, readjusting just so to deepen the kiss. 

And just as soon as it started, Richie is pulling away, resting his forehead against Eddie’s, eyes still closed as he breaths out, soft and so close to Eddie’s lips, "we can find you another."

Richie hears Eddie say his name, but it’s different. Almost insistent, pleading. So he opens his eyes and,  _fuck _ —

He’s back in the cave. It’s dark and his entire body aches from the fall. He’d been unconscious, trapped in the deadlights. Eddie hovers above him now saying something. Richie is lost, eyes wide as he tries to ground himself, figure out where exactly he is right now. He focuses on Eddie’s words :  _I think I got him, man_.  Eddie’s voice brings him back. He’s almost thrilled, joy taking over his expression, more so when he realizes Richie’s eyes are open. But — he can hear the howls of Pennywise behind them. The shrieks coming from the clown and Richie finally realizes  it’s not over. They have to move. 

They have to get out of this cave, Richie has ( he wants ) to stroll down memory lane one more time with Eddie at his side. Hadn't even fully realized it until right now. That vision felt so real and Richie wants that. It was like a promise or a really cruel fucking joke, but regardless of what it might have been, Richie wants that. They have to go to the bridge. Before they leave Derry and return to their normal boring fucking lives, he has to show him :

** R + E **

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is going to be a series. Different outcomes of what Richie might have seen while he was trapped in the deadlights. Each one will be set in a different 'alternate universe,' where Richie gets his happy ending with Eddie. The last fic in this series will have a happy ending, so watch out for that! I can't bear to leave these two unhappy and lonely and sad. Just doesn't work for me.
> 
> Title inspiration : Goner, by Twenty One Pilots.


End file.
